Ancilla L

Innocence.

They bought me pink diaries and toys,
and beamed at me as I sat down to play,
with their loud voices that seemed like noise,
'How innocent!' they'd look at me and say.
Amongst themselves, they'd talk of other things,
Of ...

The Love Of A Wanderer.

The howling of the wind woke me up. The single lamp in the corridor was flickering. Across the hall, from my grandfather's room, I could hear the monotone of the state-employed news anchor blaring from his old radio. I got out of bed and hurried t...

Moving To Stay Still.

The mat feels rougher than usual as I rest my arms and sink onto it, closing my eyes. My cheek is against the rubber and it feels harsh somehow. Or maybe it’s my skin that’s more raw. Even the sweat makes it burn. I open my eyes to see my hand...

I Search For You.

I search for you, everywhere.

In the song that was playing on the radio that night on the cusp of winter, when I came back from a month of working in the gutter of society. I told you about the flowers of the scholar's tree and you...

13 Men Who Bought Me: Ch 6: The One Who Wasn't A Man.

Note: This is a series. The prologue can be found here and the catalogue of all the posts is here. These pieces can be re...

I Feel Like A Woman.

I feel like a woman when someone beats me. I don't know what the fuck that means, or what to do with that information, but it does mean something specific.

I struggle with defining my gender, I am not sure if I should even define it. For t...

His Routine.

I wake up naked. 

This has always had a profound effect on me; it is just comfortable enough to sleep like a baby and just uncomfortable enough to feel like a whore. Everyday for the past fourteen years I have woken up naked with my leg...

Pick Up Your Shards.

I get it.
You want to take care of me.
I'm tarnished. I'm tainted. You want to preserve me before I spoil further.
You think I'm misunderstood.
You want to accept me.

You look at me.
You know there's something off about...

The code of women.

I went out with him because she was running late. It was a little past midnight and I had just gotten home from seeing a client, when I saw that his car was parked outside our gate. He saw me approaching the building, rolled down the window and ca...

Emotional Masochism.

I don't know when I became an emotional masochist. I don't know if that is something that you can even become. I didn't aspire to it nor did I plan on it. I was really happy just having the living daylights punched out of me. In fact, when I first...

Lipstick On A Little Girl.

"What the fuck..are you wearing, little girl?" He asked emerging from inside the bathroom.

I was wearing lipstick and those incredibly uncomfortable heels that give you toe cleavage with a tiny black skirt and a white top that left nothing...

Podcast: E30: Sex Worker or Typical Professional?

Hello everyone. 

Is there a point in your life where the two worlds you embody start to demand enough of you that you worry you'll have to pick one? Can you? How do you? How do you decide that all the professional success in ...

All Things Pretty Will Be Killed.

I put on red glass bangles. My friend wore them to a wedding and left them in my bag, and as I rummaged through it for my lighter, I gave into the temptation of wearing them. It was a strange combination — shorts, ratty tank top, bright red bang...

13 Men Who Bought Me: C5: The One Who Owned My Hair.

Note: This is a series. The prologue can be found here and the catalogue of all the 2022-04-27 05:06:29 +0000 UTC View Post

Evil Little Girl.

"Look daddy," she says standing right before him with her hands against her waist, "Look at my big, hard cock."

He looks up from the floor and directly at her instead. She is naked except for the straps of leather that secure the b...

Sweet Girl.

I want to kiss it. 

The twinkle in the tip of the shoe in my lap feels like looking into the eyes of a creature I conjured from inanimate leather, and I want to kiss it. 

For a mome...

Asking for it.

"Daddy," I said while playing with his fingers while he watched something on his computer, "How many of your fingers do you think will fit inside me?"

He looked at me as if he was expecting me to say exactly that. I am predictable ...

13 Men Who Bought Me: C4: The One Who Couldn't Have A Woman.

Note: This is a series. The prologue can be found here and the 2022-04-19 08:49:56 +0000 UTC View Post

Nothing but Pain Between Us.

There is nothing but pain between us right now. We haven't exchanged a single word in over an hour, not a single sound has escaped my throat nor has he said anything to me at all. The only sound in the room is the wood smacking against the...

One Night Stand.

I had this skirt. It was a little pouffy and a little shiny and totally not my style. My style is more akin to wearing the same tank top everyday just in a different colour and honestly the list of colours isn't exceptionally vast either. But back...

Mirror.

Every morning, she watched me,
when I stood there, getting ready,
as I lined my eyes with black,
and filled in colour I seemed to lack.
Her nose she'd turn in disapproval,
as I began the process of removal,
of every item sh...

Why Do Women Fake Orgasms?

"You have been faking it for how long?" I asked her, flabbergasted, "I cannot believe what you are telling me right now!"

My friend had just told me that she had been faking her orgasms for twelve-years. By most standards, my friend is a mo...

Mommy Likes Me Better.

"I'll be back in a few hours," said mommy as she zipped her black leather jacket.

From the corner of my eye I could see my ersatz sister, as she popped her head up over the back of the couch to wave goodbye. She had been painting h...

The Colour Of Blood.

One errant hair, sharp and coarse and short, the kind that grows back quickly and is never shaved off completely. It pierces through the crusted skin over the cut on my lip and tears it open again, as I turn my face to lick your balls from the...

Collecting Souls.

When I turned sixteen my father brought me,
a string of white pearls, cold and unblemished,
to put around my neck when I needed dignity,
but as they reflected my eyes all I could see,
was a violent insanity, broken and diminishe...

Tomorrow Will Be Worse.

Every guy I have known by the name of Jay has had soft hands that smell of cigarettes and the strange desire to create openings in my body that weren't already there. That's why I never slept with the Jays, because Jay wanted to fuck an incision h...

Lube Dispenser.

The way her ass parts to settle over my nose and rest so comfortably over my chin convinces me that at least one of the purposes of the human face is to be sat on. She's leaning back but squirming enough that every once in a while I am able to bre...

Made Of Words.

In my mother's shirt and holding my father's pen,
that's how this endless story did once begin,
when pained by this strange body and its violence,
I wrote the demons into such stunned silence.
Every strange person I could always exp...

Blindfold.

When I open my eyes I am struck by how ordinary everything around me looks. The sheets are grey and on the right hand corner there's an amalgamation of tiny little holes because I won't stop smoking on the bed. The curtains are a little bit longer...

I'll Look Away.

There's a sob stuck in my throat and it has been here for days, waiting for your permission to turn into tears. It appeared last week, you remember that night when I couldn't stop kissing you? You beat me every single night that week and wrecked m...