the moment comes
where it all feels like too much again.
where the loneliness is so big
it fills by stomach with acid
and my head with constant thoughts of worry and fear.
the moments come
when i don’t know if...
2022-03-22 14:08:22 +0000 UTC View Post
i feel my pain.
the loneliness, oh fuck, the loneliness.
the heartbreak, dear god, the heartbreak.
the fear, please, i can’t handle the fear.
the anger, not more anger.
and beautifully it turns to,
...
2022-03-20 12:13:57 +0000 UTC View Post
i’m done playing the victim.
i am not a victim.
i have been hurt, yes.
i have been assaulted, yes.
but i have power.
i design my life.
i decide my worth.
i choose where i go,
and what i do;
w...
2022-03-19 11:34:01 +0000 UTC View Post
how scared, terrified, i felt yesterday, march 16, at this time of night.
how excited, energized, i feel tonight, thinking about the exact same things.
2022-03-18 13:52:02 +0000 UTC View Post
one day i am here.
the next i am so, so far gone.
so, so far away.
one day i am calm.
the next i am a hurricane moving through the house.
but this time i am fully aware how much i’m raining. and who i am raining on....
2022-03-18 02:16:38 +0000 UTC View Post
(this one was from a few weeks ago)
one big letting go.
letting go. letting go. letting go.
i don’t know how... i don’t know how to... what? anything. sleep. smile. cry. let it out. let it go. mo...
2022-03-09 17:43:38 +0000 UTC View Post
It’s a new morning. And there are a million new pieces of this morning that I could get lost in. I try to keep coming back to my breath. Back to noticing the tension in my shoulders. Back to noticing when I am not breathing. Back to being aware ...
2022-03-07 18:22:01 +0000 UTC View Post
i currently feel so at peace. so alive? i do feel alive. so aware. this is the path, or at least my path. or at least my path now.
i knew it when i went to vipassana. learning how to not hope, to not desire, to not push away the present mome...
2022-03-06 15:32:46 +0000 UTC View Post
i'm gonna start sharing some of my B rated rolls.
2022-03-04 02:03:17 +0000 UTC View Post
fear seeps in.
takes over.
I push push push it away.
it gets worse.
fear seeps in as I wash dishes.
as I take a bath.
as I go to sleep and as I wake up.
my life in shambles.
no idea what I want or where I’ll go.
how Iâ...
When I wake I feel myself breathing. I wake and walk upwards. Up the sheet covered ice mountain that is just outside my door. Grabbing branch and rock to steady myself with my hands as my feet slip and slide and my knees hit the ground beneath me....
2022-02-28 02:46:33 +0000 UTC View Post
this isn’t it.
the drinking.
it’s just not.
i know this.
and then i go for another bottle.
i said 27 would be my year of sobriety
and then i drank.
but can i try again?
of course i can. i can alw...
2022-02-26 12:27:58 +0000 UTC View Post
today it feels like freedom.
today it feels lighter
and gentler.
today my grief is giving me
a strange peace.
today my grief
feels like a balloon
that was emptied so quickly
but is now filling
...
2022-02-21 15:36:40 +0000 UTC View Post
i want me.
i love me.
i thought sleeping alone would be the hardest part of separating.
but instead it has been a way back to myself.
finger tip against finger tip.
breathing into the four pillows pressed against my b...
2022-02-20 11:57:40 +0000 UTC View Post
(stream of consciousness writing this morning.
thoughts turned poem. poem turned thoughts.)
Is it all connected?
it feels like it’s all connected.
every 2022-02-20 02:29:29 +0000 UTC View Post
hannah and andrew take me in for the longest.
one night we get high and i sit in between them.
thighs snd palms and arms touching and linked.
i think they really love me,
i wish it was something i knew instead of something ...
2022-02-18 13:01:16 +0000 UTC View Post
always aching.
aching for the life i had;
yes.
but more than that,
aching for the life i thought COULD be
with gideon
aching for the years and minutes and breaths put into something that was never returned.
<... 2022-02-17 18:57:17 +0000 UTC View Post
what the fuck is language for? its not for being perfect. its for communicating. for connection, for being WITH another human in a more truthful way. but when the focus is on correct grammar and correct wording and correct punctuation - that conne...
2022-02-16 13:10:06 +0000 UTC View Post
my mind is throbbing.
home.
in the house,
alone.
spinning
spinning
spinning
spinning in the car
spinning on the dance floor
spinning in the house
around and around and around
lookin...
2022-02-15 19:21:09 +0000 UTC View Post
Nalcoah asleep in a strange room.
i walk out to the living room with everyone else.
i drink.
i drink more.
and more.
7 glasses total throughout the night.
Emmy and Dawson come in.
Emmy puts Auren to sleep ...
2022-02-14 16:39:17 +0000 UTC View Post
a friend of mine had a "pretend artists club" and I was able to attend the first meeting where we shared pieces of our art that we have been working on or something brand new. I find when I am prompted to create for a specific reason, I thrive. 2022-02-13 16:21:53 +0000 UTC View Post
another weekend
another couple days where i am floundering trying to figure out what to do and where to go.
who to stay with
who really wants me? or is okay with me being in their home?
...
i want to make a post and just say thank you to everyone who has been sticking around through these months of me basically not existing on this platform. the support is noticed, constantly. especially now.
i’m not sure what i wa...
2022-02-03 01:03:18 +0000 UTC View Post
re-uploading some of these photos because patreon doesn’t like seeing buttholes. so censored like i would for instagram.
i am so unorganized i couldn’t even find all of these photos. 🥴 someone help! send tips! haha like tho...
2021-12-23 01:39:30 +0000 UTC View Post
i stayed at my moms for a week in september. i needed some space and time in a different scene. this was my first time staying there for a week in years and i wasn't prepared for the amount of flashbacks and old habits and mindsets to come back up...
2021-12-02 18:04:20 +0000 UTC View Post
