Spongebob Squarepants Movie (GBA) - Script

Ooooooh….Who lives in a Pinapple Under the Sea?

Is it A) former US president jimmy carter

A) Spongebob Squarepants

or C) That one guy from Paper Mario who wore a tie.

Lock in your answer now….

And the correct answer is… FORMER US PRESIDENT JIMMY CARTER!!!! What a legend! Such a legend in fact that he got his own Gameboy game, titled the Spongebob Squarepants Movie… not sure why it’s called that of all things but… eh…let’s check it out!

Developed by Wayforward, best known for that sexy Genie game and uh..why is Spongebob making that face on the menu? Look’s like he’s up to no good…have we just walked in on him watching porn again or something? Guilty looking bugger right there.

So the game and, it  follows the plot of the movie… but in the way most licensed games do where it won’t really make sense unless you’re familiar with the source material anyway. So first we gotta get to the Krusty Krab and hey….this game looks pretty good actually. You play as Spongebob but Patrick follows along too. He’s a bit like Tails…if Tails was a overweight mentally challenge Starfish…which…last I checked... he probably wasn’t…. although on second thought…..I might be onto something.

So, it’s a pretty standard platformer affair, you jump on things… you collect golden doodads and you get to the end of the levels. But, there is more to it. See, you got a few moves. You can charge up a dash attack and zoom off at crazy speeds and smash through everything, it’s basically the spindash from Sonic… not sure why Sonic has come up twice already but… here we are. But I mean, Spongebob doesn’t give two shits about Patricks well being here does he?… just slam him into a wall at full speed, it’s fine. But I mean, does that look like the face of someone who knows what’s going on? Dumb fuck probably doesn’t even know what day it is.

You can also cling onto Patrick as he uses his shorts to glide…I’m uh…just glad he’s wearing underpants or we’ve be in trouble. You can also use Patricks fat ass to ground pound, and our last attack is Spongebobs screen nuke! Flat out just kills everyone. I mean..you’ll probably never really use this but… looks cool.

So eventually Plankton decides to initiate plan Z! The first step, steal king Neptune’s crown!.. I have a Plan Z folder too actually… let’s check it out…. It’s uh…not quite the same kind of folder as Planktons though. Z cups you say? Don’t mind if I do….oh wait…the review.

Anyway, Spongebob is rejected from being a manager because he’s not manly enough, so he sets off to prove himself!  And honestly, I aint gonna talk bout the story much from here cos…just watch the movie. It does a better job and it’s a classic. Even if Jimmy Carter’s scenes got cut.

Anyways..we get a cute lil world map, with frankly, adorable lil sprites of Spongebob and Patrcik…… and we’re onto the next level. It’s cool how reach level has their own episode card like the show by the way.

So these levels are well designed but really, there’s not much incentive to actually explore, there aren’t hidden collectables really, just extra lives, which you’ll have more than enough off. Sometimes you can find a mustache though that makes you invincible! Burh I didn’t know mustaches could do that!... Let’s put it to the test.

ALRIGHT TRAIN, DO YOUR WORSE! HERE IT COMES!!!! *rip*…*cuts to grave stone*

I was lied too again (ghost goomba looking at grave)

So, this level has all these giant clams that eat you up whole and…I mean they’re kinda scary ngl. Think I just unlocked a new fear. We then get the patty wagon and we got a driving level! WHoooo! Pretty cool visuals actually, I like it. The level itself is pretty basic, just gotta dodge these obstacles. Man, these roads need some serious maintenance work; they’re completely unfit for purpose. Bikini Bottom is wasting those tax payer dollars for real.

But then, this chump tries to steal our car so we gotta beat the shit out of him. Just crouch under his crowbars and jump on him three times. Easy peasy. Either way he still steals our car so now we’re back to walking like a chump. And just like that, we’re onto the second world!

And something I’m noticing here is that..the camera sucks and there’s no way to move it. You can barely see below you, so there’s a few leaps of faiths. Sometimes you can barely even see the platform you gotta jump on right in front of you either. Like bruh… there’s literally nothing happening above me…just…move the camera down please!  Despite that the level design is still surprisingly solid.

It’s around here that I figured out you can do a dash attack, fly off the platform and do a midair jump ot get crazy distance! It’s like the Donkey Kong Country roll jump, super fun to pull off too. I bet there’s some crazy speedruns for this game I can already tell.

Eventually we make it into the Tough Tavern, with a name like that you’d think it’ll be pretty tough but no…you just get to blast through everything and go on a flat out murder spree, it’s a bloodbath. Spongebob might think he’s a man but, I’m pretty sure he’s gonna be charged as an adult. Guy is looking at hard time after this. (jail scene, jirard in jail in background?? Lol too much?)

Second boss then, and he jumps around and uh…that’s it. If you die on this boss you probably need to take an IQ test or something…just to be sure. But alas we get out car back! Cue another car level! This one is pretty tricky at times, but it’s the same thing really. Still got their blank expressionless faces staring at you….deep into your soul...I wonder what they see?… I’ll tell you what I see though…

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Anyways, we’re onto a desert world now. The levels are getting big now, there’s check points and everything…and I’m like 90% sure that sound effect is from Banjo Kazooie… like…it’s not just me right? Totally Banjo. So, despite being in the desert, the enemies remain the same. You got drunken hill billies throwing beer at you, and these Angry Video Game Nerd cosplayers with buckets on their heads. “ASS!”

But the world is getting darker now, we in a cave and it’s full of bones. Get hit by these and yer instantly dead. This isn’t exactly what I meant when I said I wanted to get boned but I guess it’ll have to do. To be honest, the level design is surprisingly great. This level has you running away from impending doom the entire level, only, eventually you get to a spot where you can survive, soy ou gotta dodge the falling bones and then you have to climb back up to the top. I’ve been quite impressed with the game so far.

We then  make it out of this frankly, disturbing location, and we’re onto another boss! The ice Cream monster… I mean…that doesn’t sound so bad, what’s it gonna do? Feed me to death? Jokes on you ice cream monster, I’m into that shit!  Ah wait…never mind, it’s a fucked up lookin fish….still has ice cream though.

After dodging the icecream for while, it slaps it’s tongue out, gets stuck in this sign post and you gotta spin dash into it! Blamo, best boss so far by a mile.

So now this lass randomly shows up, who is barely mentioned in the game so if you didn’t see the movie you’d have no idea what’s happening, and gives us a mustache. Which is never mentioned or shown again in the game either…and I’m pretty sure they were kelp mustaches in the movie… bruh how did you mess that up? Seeing them with big bushy moustaches is just wrong, it’s like some Mandela effect shit.

So now we’re in the deep ocean and… ok…that background is slightly terrifying, between this and the level made from eseesentially 1000’s  of corpses… this game is oddly dark. Even the enemy’s are starting to get weird now…you got bootleg Gary’s and…da fuck is that supposed to be? All I know is, it’s too ugly too live. And as we all know, and say it together now… Ugly people don’t deserve basic human rights.

These levels have a wind gimmick that blows you around so you gotta be careful…well…by wind I mean  water current. You can even use the changing current  to make super long jumps to find secrets! Oooooo! Fancy.

Next level is another car level...only we don’t have a car…so we just running…and I kinda love it! Look at their faces, they ain’t taking any more shit! I think if I saw Patrick running at me like that I’d be writing out my will asap.  They’ve seen too much shit, they’ve changed. Their childlike glee is truly gone…. They are now men…but at what cost?

Then we fight Dennis! Who…jumps around like that other boss…BUT NOW WITH SPIKEY SHOES. The bosses in this game are pretty bad honestly, they look really cool and have great visuals ,but game play wise, they’re on the level as a typical Boom Boom fight. But then all of a sudden!  GIANT BOOT!... man… I can relate to that. Perhaps this Dennis guy ain’t so bad after all.

So we get captured by the Cyclops like in the movie and we’re in that gift shop about to get dried up and sold as cheap merchandise…cue random ass running level that literally makes no sense in the context of either the game or the movie….lets goooo!

Anyway, back to the gift shop and these levels are pretty tough! See, the temperature keeps going up and up! If it reaches the top you dry up and die!... Nooooo…not uh…not quite as I remembered it in the movie…. No…I told myself I wouldn’t cry this time.

So yeah, you gotta be quick and ground pound on these fire alarms to turn on the water sprinklers before you dry up,  and the time limits are pretty harsh at times. Mixed in with all these hooks n shit trying to kill you. It’s a bit of a difficulty jump really  The level reminds me a lot of Sandopolis Zone actually from…you guessed it…Sonic the Hedgehog.

The level keeps tempting you with extra lives too  but it’s like…ain’t no time to get those. It’s a trap! But yeah, good world, and it’s cool that the game keeps trying to make things fresh. But now it is time for our epic confrontation with the giant one eyed monster! And it’s HUGE! It’s a good boss too, see you gotta make sure the sprinklers are running, all whilst dodging his attacks. And when he pops up to see what’s goin on, you gotta jump on this thing and cover his face with this sticky white stuff. I’m not entirely sure what it is but, I think I’ve seen this happen a few times in my Plan Z folder actually. Humans are weird man.

Then right, David Hasslehoff just randomly shows up. Which seems awfully random but...it’s like that in the movie too. Only, they didn’t have permission to show his face here so it just zooms in onto his nipples. As far as I’m concerned, his nipples are talking to me.

We then get ride on his back which is awesome. I mean, the level sucks but it looks cool!

You’re just getting constantly pushed back by the wind, you’re getting stuck in his hair and water keeps knocking you back, BRUH … I JUST WANNA GET PAST THISH HAIR COMON NOW!!! I know it looks like I’m just ungodly shit at the game but trust me, it’s a bit of a mess. But then right, Dennis comes back and starts stomping on David’s ass with his spiky cleats! Bruh, his ass is gonna be sore in the morning. Boss is pretty much the same as last time. So now we gotta dash back to the Krusty Krab with yet ANOTHER one of these levels…bruh, starting to feel like padding now.

But hold on…those green things look just like…THE TWO PIPES! AHHHHH, I CAN NEVER ESCAPE THEM!!! ALWAYS TAUNTING ME!

Anyways, time for the final boss! King Neptune himself! And, I dunno if my game is bugged or this boss is just that strong, but Spongebob dead ass just randomly dies here for no reason. Heck, sometimes he dies in the cutscene. It’s like he takes one look at him and nopes outta here. I know it’s scary mate but suicide is never the answer.

Decent boss though, dodge the giant trident n jump on his as he swims across the screen. Three hits and we’re onto the finale! Just like the movie Spongebob turns into a wizard and uh….oh that was it. Bruh that was less than a second. Was it even worth animating that? Spongebob my man, you can’t be just blowing your load so quickly, you gotta build up suspense you know? Put on a show. Ah well, and that’s basically the game!

My thoughts? I mean look, it’s a really solid game. Surprisingly so. Maybe the best Spongebob game I’ve played so far. Great visuals, controls, gameplay pretty solid and it doesn’t overstay its welcome. It’s just a fun little game. I have a good time with it and…OH GOD, WHAT’S THAT!...*gets stomped on by giant boot*

ARUUUUUGHHHHHHH!!!!!! HELP MEEEEEEEE!!!!!  *ends*