Hard Digest June 21: Early Access Bright Eyes, Hells Bells, the FAA, and More

Man Attending Bright Eyes/Cursive Concert Excited to Relive the Glory Days of the Most Miserable and Depressed Time in His Life

By Kevin Coons

BOSTON — Local father and software engineer Evan Froom is reportedly excited to see emo bands Bright Eyes and Cursive perform together, recalling an earlier time in his life when he loved both bands and was emotionally stunted and deeply depressed, confirmed sources.

“When I saw the tour announcement, I was just so thrilled,” Froom explained. “To get both Tim and Conor on the same bill is a dream concert. Everything has been going well for me lately and listening to those bands really takes me back to a time in my life when I was miserable, near suicidal, and just a horrible person to be around. It’s going to be an amazing show. Maybe I’ll even call up an ex-girlfriend and beg her to take me back at two in the morning for old times’ sake.”

Froom’s longtime best friend, Russ Maple, recalled the “Glory Days” of their Bright Eyes and Cursive fandom.

“Back in the summer of 2003, after Evan’s girlfriend dumped him, he barely got out of bed for weeks,” said Maple. “All he would do was listen to the Cursive song ‘After the Movies’ on repeat all day long. Or he would get drunk off Steel Reserve and post Bright Eyes lyrics to his Livejournal. Things just felt simpler back then, before he started exercising and dealing with his issues in an emotionally mature way.”

Wife Melissa Froom expressed support for her husband attending the concert.

“Everything has been going so great for Evan lately,” she explained. “He just got a promotion at work, he has an active social life, our kids are thriving at school, and he has just seemed so happy lately. He could really use some time away to be completely miserable and hopeless again. He’s always talking about how ‘back in the day’ he’d used to smoke cigarettes instead of eating, or how he’d go to parties and he never knew if he’d end up crying, passing out drunk, or both. I know it’s only for one night, but he really deserves one more chance to completely indulge his inner sense of self-hatred.”

As of press time, Froom was disappointed that everybody at the concert was seemingly having a fun time, and Bright Eyes frontman Conor Oberst was sober and in good spirits.

I’m the Guy That Plays the Bell on “Hells Bells” & “For Whom the Bell Tolls,” & Work Has Been Slow as Fuck Ever Since

By Tyler Roland

Hey, kid. I may not be a household name, but back in the day, I was one of the in-demand session players. From ‘80 to ‘84, I was untouchable on the bell. They called me Tinnitus, ‘cause I couldn’t stop ringing.

See, I started off in my local church, doing the hourly peals on a part-time basis. But in 1970, when I heard “Black Sabbath” by Black Sabbath on Black Sabbath, I had an awakening. Bells weren’t just for signaling the time of day. They could fucking rock.

Trouble is, bells are a bitch to lug around, so I didn’t get much action. I was a force in the local scene, though. I’d volunteer with the Salvation Army every Christmas and go ham on the little handheld bells. The hard work paid off. In 1980, I got a call that changed everything.

Aussie rock legends AC/DC needed a kickass way to crack open “Hells Bells.” I told that schoolboy Angus Young “I got one word for ya pal: a bell.” I knew it was a big deal, since Bon Scott had just suffered a rock star’s untimely death. I dragged over the best bell I could get from the foundry and let it rip, immortalized on Back In Black forever.

Just a few years later, those guys in Metallica offered me another gig on “For Whom the Bell Tolls.” It was “bong, bong!” all over again. At this rate, I thought, I’d be shredding the Liberty Bell in no time.

Now, you’d think that being featured on not one, but two iconic albums would result in goddamn megastardom. Yet I write this just before cleaning the shitters at Taco Bell. For some reason, I was never asked to tour as a hired gun; I suspect Lars harbored some envy.

Not only that, I got blacklisted from those sweet church gigs. They kept dropping that bullshit “devil’s music” excuse every time I flashed my resume. In 1994, I tried like hell to get on Pink Floyd’s “High Hopes,” but no dice. They had already landed the dude who maintains Big Ben.

Now I’m reduced to making some field recordings that I hawk on Bandcamp and fx sites. Those booming tones are a dying breed. Pisses me off when those pussies resort to backing tracks live. More bands need people like me. I mean, just look at the platinum records on my wall. Bells used to sell.

FAA Declares Real Motherfuckers Can Still Fly With Their Old ID

By RJ Atkinson

WASHINGTON — The Federal Aviation Administration announced that real motherfuckers may still board all domestic flights, regardless of Real ID status, White House sources have confirmed.

“Look, some people just can’t be bothered to comply with federal regulation, even if they’ve had seven years to do so,” said FAA spokesperson Michael Donnahugh. “At the FAA, we understand that some people’s lifestyles prevent them from stepping foot inside a DMV out of principle or even holding down a job long enough to produce a pay stub. These real motherfuckers are simply too busy living their lives or standing motionless with arms crossed at the back of a hardcore show, and it’s unreasonable to expect them to do anything to the contrary.”

The FAA’s recent shift in policy left some people wondering why they jumped through so many hoops to become Real ID compliant.

“I just don’t get it,” said frustrated Las Vegas resident Sarah Ramos. “I waited in line at the DMV for five hours, just to be told I need a second form of identification. Is the driver’s license they issued me not enough? I mean, come on. I had to take a PTO day for this. Those don’t grow on trees. And now they’re telling me all these people get a pass? I don’t usually get political, but this is bullshit.”

Local real motherfuckers were quite pleased with the FAA’s rule.

“I’ve just been busy, man,” said Deathshits bassist and real motherfucker Aaron Mitchell. “Life is too short for standing in line, proving you work and live places. It’s just not how I want to spend my time. Plus my grindcore band is on the verge of making it. So between band practice and restoring this old rally car, I really haven’t had time to do much of anything. I’m just glad my bandmates and I can still fly. It’s hard enough driving our equipment van to Oklahoma City for unpaid gigs. When we eventually hit the national circuit, it will be great to not have to drive. Especially in New York.”

At press time, the FAA emphasized that being Real ID non-compliant doesn’t automatically qualify you for real motherfucker status, but every citizen without Real ID is encouraged to check their status within the online federal database.

Stepdad’s Remake of Family Is More of a Remaster

BY Matt Youngspruce

LITTLE ROCK, Ark. — Maurice Johnson, 42, the newly appointed stepfather of a blended family in Arkansas, is enthusiastic about what he sees as a long-term role in the remake of the family structure. However, his stepchildren believe Johnson’s “remake” resembles more of a “remaster.”

“At first, we were excited about Maurice and his vision to bring this family into the current decade. But pretty soon we realized that what Maurice promised was really just a saturated version of what we already had. And I promise you, that wasn’t a good thing at all,” said Harry, 10, the youngest member of the family. “He didn’t actually change any of the clunky mechanics we grew up with under our previous dad. Maurice just sits on the couch all day, drinking beer and watching World War II documentaries. All that big talk about ‘the greatest family you’ve ever seen’ unfortunately didn’t hold up. Just as I suspected.”

Beth Johnson, a 40-year-old lawyer from Little Rock and Maurice’s new spouse, is equally bewildered.

“This is a nightmare. None of this is what Maurice promised four years ago,” she said. “I had high hopes that this relationship would be different this time around. All those lies about how this was going to be the best version ever, with countless enhancements to our broken family dynamics—I mean, how hard is it to fix Friday nights together? An ape could do it. Whatever. I’m downloading Tinder tonight.”

Maurice stated that he was confident that his contributions to the family were, in his words, “historical in some retrospect.”

“There is nothing better than watching D-Day re-enactments seven days in a row while drinking cold beer. I want to teach this family something and that’s loyalty and brotherhood. Those guys fought for the free world, and that is exactly what this family is going to do. At least I am. Did you know Hitler was a vegetarian? Neither did I,” Maurice declared, pausing to raise the volume on the television.

At press time, Maurice insisted that his stepchildren sign up for youth soccer, despite it being an entirely different multiplayer mode than they had played previously.